I am such a strong person, why can't I get through this? Last night was a great night for SSon, I drove him to his annual work Christmas Party in downtown Buffalo. We got to see some pretty lights downtown, he was super-hyped about the party, he looked really handsome.
When I went to pick him up, I was upset to see some group home support staff chatting to each other with those that they were responsible for just tagging along behind them-fending for themselves-these are people with a variety of handicaps, along with their mental challenges. Some had poor choices of clothing on for the weather, some were just trying their best to keep up with those in front, and since some have agility issues, they were stumbling a bit-unseen by those who were there to take care of them, not being cared for. There were a few groups where the staff were engaging with their charges, that made me feel better. There were some private drivers like me picking up their family or friends. All I could think of is that when it is time for my guy to go to a group home, when it is better because of my age that he get settled into the next phase of his life, I was wondering how I could protect him from being one of those left to flounder. The answer is I can't. As much research as I know I will do, staffing in every workplace includes the great and the not so great. I know that a group home is the only answer for him. He has a loving sister, but he belongs in a situation with others his own age and abilities. I must accept this reality.
Then my guy comes out the door-smiling bright enough to melt the snow. He had a wonderful time, a little Christmas stuffed animal gift in his pocket to show me. A belly full of pizza, and a long list of the songs that were played-and not played. He went on to mention the two times when he didn't attend his work dance in about 20 years-one when he twisted his ankle and was on crutches and last year when a storm came through making travel there impossible. He has a great memory.
I dropped him off at his father and stepmothers home-he has tickets to a hockey game in Buffalo that they will be driving him to and back tonight, and also a football ticket on Sunday with his father-so he will be gone and well cared for this weekend-we all, including the cat will miss him!
So, now you know where I am mentally, driving home at 10pm, worried about SSon's future, tired from a long day, missing my SHusband whom I only saw a few hours that day, and missing Matka. I am playing Josh Groban's "Awake", my go-to CD in the car when talk radio has no allure for me. You know what is next. The tears start and really get out of control. So I tell Matka that she really needs to help me get through this Christmas season. And within SECONDS the next song that Josh sings is called Lullaby, and the first few verses are "Hush now baby, don't you cry. Rest your wings my butterfly. Peace will come to you in time.... Although I must leave my child.............".
Thank you Matka, from all us 5 kids.