Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hello there, still here.

It seems impossible that I have not posted to my blog in so long.  Well, I have written many posts, but only in my head at 2-5am. Instead of sleeping, I am thinking  all kinds of things at that time of day-planning my life and everyone else's !
I have not been without time challenges, but maybe my daytime hours for electronic usage are being taken up by WWF (Words With Friends), Facebook, emailing  and texting.  How much electronic time does a girl have anyway eh? You would think if I am not taking time for blogging that I would have a perfectly organized home which is also spotless, and that every area of my life is fine tuned-HA! Whose blog are you reading my friend?
Well, so much for explanations, aka excuses. On with a post!

The sunflowers at the top of the page were grown in a field not far from our house.  I love the hope I see in sunflower fields, that so much beauty presents in wave after wave for the viewer with a simple planting. I have found out that a field of sunflowers  can not be planted in the same area two years in a row-the soil gets poisoned by a fungus which prevents another crop the following year. So, crop rotations is a must.
Sometimes when I think about this fact, I wonder how many times I poison my own life by insisting on the same approach to every problem.  When faced with a situation, I immediately think, what can I do to fix/change/improve/prevent this.  And sometimes I am successful, a problem./event was meant to be fixed.  But sometimes things can not be avoided/prevented.
In my personal life, one of my goals is to keep all situations regarding SSon positive.  I try to make sure we always have an assortment of batteries in good supply to start with.  What you say! How is that important?  Well, if you are a very structured, no grey area person like SS, you might need to change your headphone batteries or remote control batteries at any time of the day or night-and if there are no replacements, this is stressful, very stressful.  He counts on things to be there and after 41 years of being his Mom, I know the consequences of not being prepared.  He can not be talked out of the anxiety that this type of situation produces.  This is not a fault of his or a character defect. This is the way that God made him, and if you were blessed enough to be given him as your son, you need to take good care of him. He is not less because he can not face problems, he is just gloriously different.  He has so many wonderful qualities, and is so sympathetic to the need of others, so it all evens out right?
There are many other areas that this same preparedness is needed. This weekend, he caught me though.  When he comes home from workshop, he checks the caller ID to see who called.  Knowing that, his SStep-Mom calls me on my cell when there is an emergency regarding SS's Dad. I then evaluate the news and whitewash as needed, giving SS guarded info.  He caught on that I was telling him info regarding his Dad even though there was no record of an incoming phone call. One smart cookie this guy!  He asked why I did that, how I knew about his Dad, so the cell phone ploy was explained.  I said I had to evaluate the information and decide what would be best for him to know at that point.  He asked why.
Hmm, I said sometimes the information could be very worrisome. And he said, "Oh, I see, you want to protect me because you love me."  As I have said many times before, what a blessing he is.  He did not criticize me for not telling him everything, he just needed it explained. And he repeated this statement many times to me over the next few days-as if to really cement it in his mind I think.  Some of you not knowing SS might think this is coddling him, and all I can say is, you do not know him. Not everyone is able to process bad or worrisome news the same way. My way to stop poisoning the ground now is to re-evaluate every aspect of what I say to him, hoping that I don't over correct my approach to SS. I thought I had it worked out, doing the same thing every time, but obviously I did not.  Just when you think you have things worked out eh?
So listen, other ground poisoning is always happening by me, and recently I have had to evaluate other areas.  In an attempt to always be able  to produce a piece of paper that backs up some fact, I have saved everything.  Filing systems that previously accommodated this practice are so overburdened that finding anything has now becoming difficult, so I have reevaluated and now am purging files.  This is scary stuff for me, but jeez, who needs all this.  This practice of unburdening myself of these items is difficult and sometimes seems overwhelming, but once begun, moves along easier.
And an important change I have made in the past year is to pray harder and more often.  I would always pray, but not with the conviction that I now know is needed.  I have seen miracles happen this past year with prayer.  I have also seen outcomes that are God ordained.  In the past, I prayed for someone to get better, than if they didn't, I thought my prayers were not answered.  I now pray for those in the intention to have the strength needed to get through a situation, or to bring peace to an inevitable outcome.  That way, I am not poisoning the field by wrongly demanding things my way. Maybe just a little more strength is what a caretaker needs to get through a day, and maybe my prayer is just enough to help.  Why not? What is to be lost? I think praying this way is not lowering my expectations, it is being more realistic that sometimes the outcome is not what I choose, but rather, "it is what it is", and my prayers just might be helpful to accept the outcome.  This is a major leap of faith for me, and for someone who is a person who needs to control situations, this policy of turning over thoughts, and just being in the moment of things during prayer is a giant leap of faith. After all, if you can't dictate the outcome, you are grateful for any outcome.

I need to tell you about a very inspiring situation.  This past week, my dear SCousin lost her SHusband after a very difficult 18 + month struggle with serious health issues. She is probably the strongest woman I know right now-she did not try to pretend that the situation was not serious, she used her faith to cope with it as it happened.  She supported him and gave it her all with her magnificent way of organizing the medical aspects, and she gave him a funeral that celebrated his life. She was able to do this because she had Faith.  Faith that she was doing exactly what he and her family needed, never despairing that this was happening, never saying "Why me, why us?", just going on, surgery after surgery, appointment after appointment, supporting the needs of her SHusband, SSons and her SMom.  And when it came to it's unfortunate conclusion, she was able to say, I am at Peace with my choices.  That is not poisoning the field by giving up and giving in, by being surprised by changes in the situation, that is doing what is needed at the time that it was needed.  And you can't do that if you have preplanned how a situation will be.  She would have done anything to sit on the beach together when they were in their nineties, but instead, she enjoyed their time on the beach this year. With much admiration, I give you their song: "Longer Than" by Dan Fogelberg


No comments: